Some famous Tommy Cooper Quotes……..
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'"
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"
****************
How True?
CONGRATULATIONS
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO
WERE BORN BEFORE THE
1980's!!!
First, we survived being born
to mothers who smoked
and/or drank while they
carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue
cheese dressing, tuna from a
tin, liver pate and didn't get
tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our
baby cots were covered with
bright coloured lead-based
paints.
We had no childproof lids on
medicine bottles, doors or
cabinets and when we rode our
bikes, we had no helmets.
As children, we would ride
in cars with no seat belts
or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van -
loose - was always great fun.
We drank water from the
garden hosepipe and NOT
from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink
with four friends, from one
bottle and NO ONE actually
died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread
and real butter and drank pop
with sugar in it, but we
weren't overweight
because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE
PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the
morning and play all day, as
long as we were back when
the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us
all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours
building our go-carts out of
scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we
forgot the brakes. After
running into the bushes a few
times, we learned to solve the
problem .
We did not have Playstations,
Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video
games at all, no 99 channels
on cable, no DVD's, no
MP3's no surround sound,
no mobile phones, no text
messaging, no personal
computers, no Internet or
Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we
went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut,
broke bones and teeth and there
were no lawsuits from these
accidents .
We played with worms and mud
pies made from dirt, and the
worms did not live in us forever.
We made up games with sticks
and tennis balls and although
we were told it would happen,
we did not poke out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a
friend's house and knocked
on the door or rang the bell,
or just yelled for them!
Not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to
deal with disappointment.
(Imagine that!!)
The idea of a parent bailing us
out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually
sided with the law!
This generation has produced
some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers and inventors
ever!
The past 50 years have been an
explosion of innovation and new
ideas.
We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility,
and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this
with others who have had the
luck to grow up as kids,
before the lawyers and the
government regulated our
lives for our own good.
and while you are at it,
forward it to your kids so
they will know how brave
their parents were.
PS -The BIG type is because
your eyes are shot at your
age!!
***********
A SENIOR MOMENT………….
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement
, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the authorised contact.
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service, while this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;
DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)
***** ***************
Chic Murray, was one of Scotland's greatest comedians, who sadly died in Edinburgh, at the age of 65.
Here are just a few examples of Chic's unique material:
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it!
- I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?
- If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
- I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.
- If it weren't for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with strangers.
- After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
- I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.
- The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
- My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
- My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off
___________________________________
Some classics from Peter Kay:
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
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